Thursday, September 4, 2014

i'm not brave


There's a lot of encouragement going on around the interwebs for women to be brave.
And I think that's amazing! (I actually have Let's All Be Brave by Annie Downs on my to-read list, I know it's going to encourage me a ton from what I've heard about it.) I love seeing women being encouraged to pursue what scares them and to obey God's call. That's stinkin' awesome.

The thing that has continue to crop up in my heart when I've read these phrases or thought about bravery, is that I really don't feel brave. I feel the opposite. Most of the time, I'm scared. Like deep, I don't think I can do this, pit-in-my-stomach scared. I am not brave. Even when I hear the word "bravery" I want to run and hide because my future, even the very near future, looms in front of me and I just don't know if I can do it.

When I look at the things God is handing me, I have literally questioned if He knows what He's thinking, and why He would give that to me - doesn't He know I am NOT that person? I mean He's God and all so I'm sure He does. But even still - I think He may have gotten it wrong. I am NOT BRAVE. I am not a go-getter. I, most of the time, am a scared little girl who wants the easy way out and to just watch Netflix all day because the future makes me want to burst into tears. (Sometimes that's exactly what happens.) Why doesn't He choose someone else who jumps at adventure, who loves "new", who rolls with the punches like it's no problem. My second nature is to stick my heels in the ground of "security" and hold on for dear life - not to jump in with both feet.

I say all these things, totally still scared. I have no idea how the things that God is asking of me, right now, today, are going to turn out. I am gulping, taking deep breaths because I can't control the outcome. Yet there is a light in my heart, a stubborn "yes" that knows that there is HOPE because of Jesus, and I can't ignore that He promises to be faithful. I cannot forget the truth even though I'm terrified. I am not brave, but He is so incredibly good.

This fear is in my throat, threatening to totally take over. But in the same breath, I will speak this: Jesus is with me wherever I go. He will not leave me or forsake me. I am His beloved. Nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus, not height, or depth, or anything else in this created world. I am in the palm of His hand, under the shadow of His wings. And He is worth it. And even when I cannot see, He goes before me.

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