Monday, March 24, 2014

when i don't have enough

I might sound like a broken record when I say that my body is just not handling the end of this pregnancy well. This last week was pretty difficult, adding on a stomach bug and a toddler who's sleep patterns are terrible after daylight standard time began. I'm exhausted in so many ways.

There were several moments this last week that felt like, "I just don't have enough right now." 
I'm not getting enough sleep, due to some "fun" pregnancy side effects and a child who wakes up well before 6am. I don't have enough patience to endure the sometimes pretty hash physical pain, or to stay calm with my 2-year-old whom I adore but who is so "two" right now. I don't have enough time to get my home prepared, my freezer stocked, my last minute to-do's completed. Quite a few elements of my life feel maxed out and so meager. (Except for my ice cream supply. I replenish this often.)

There's not a band-aid for seasons like this, is there? I keep trying to suck it up, emotionally and physically, and yet the realities of life don't always allow me to keep things perfectly together. What if right now my life is just tiring and messy? What if I did raise my voice at both my toddler and my husband, or we're eating frozen meals off of paper plates, or Nicholas watches waaayyy too much TV?

What if?
Well, then I can look at the Lord and say, with more understanding than ever before,
"Whom have I in heaven but You?"
And He responds with a resounding, "I'm here."
He's here, in my "not enough" places. He's present where I feel utterly depleted.

I keep picturing myself as clinging to Him, holding on with tired fingers and crying out with continual requests. But He keeps replacing my picture with His own version: His arms wrapped tightly around me. My strength and my ability to hold on are literally out of the picture. He's just holding me.

So yeah, right now, I don't have enough. But I have Him. And He has me.

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