Wednesday, March 12, 2014

34 weeks, a ragged body, and a strengthened heart

This passage of scripture goes much, much deeper than pregnancy exhaustion - but at 34 weeks, I am right there with the "heart and flesh may fail" part of Psalm 73. 

There are moments where I literally wonder if my body will be able to handle five more weeks of pregnancy. I made it through my first pregnancy alright, but this second one has done a number on my 4'8" frame. I don't make small babies (Nick was just under 8 lbs.), and this little guy is no different - and he's sitting SO low. He sits on my lap/legs when I sit down, which is kind of funny. But that also brings a lot of pain and the inability to stand for more than 10 minutes, quite literally. I daily wonder how much more my body can handle. 

My heart is there, too. 
I am incredibly grateful for this baby, for my two-year-old, my husband's new job right in the heart of Seattle, and the apartment that we moved into two months ago. Yet it takes so much physical and emotional energy to keep up with it all. We're getting ready for this sweet Baby2, trying to finish settling into our apartment, getting used to Brian's new work hours, etc. The crazy emotions that have come out of this pregnant lady would cause (and probably have caused) a burly, grown man to run for cover. And to the store for more tissues. Add some intense 3rd trimester insomnia (I guess that's a real thing!) - the "heart and flesh my fail" thing doesn't feel super far off. 

But, in the midst of all this, I'm also experiencing the second part of this verse.
"...but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

When I've been distraught with tears, God has brought me truth from His word. 
He often literally re-directs my mind from crazy, exhausted thoughts to reminders of His intense love, presence, and the power of the Gospel. My toddler doesn't automatically start obeying me perfectly, and my apartment isn't decorated in the blink of an eye - but my heart is anchored and I have a bigger perspective, and this changes everything. He strengthens my heart.

He is also proving, again and again, to be my portion, my "enough." Conversations I assume will be draining end up pouring life all over me. Friends text with sweet encouragements to share that I'm not alone (or too crazy). Family steps up in ways that make me cry with gratefulness. He is my portion.

Nevertheless, I am continually with You; 
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel, 
and afterward You will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
My heart and flesh my fail, 
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
- Psalm 73:23-26

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