Friday, September 13, 2013

tired, sick, and a little pitiful - but nonetheless a daughter

Since the moment I announced baby number two, I have felt quite cared for by the people around me. (Thank you for all of your sweet words, prayers, and encouragement!)
I've also felt terrible, in terms of my physical body. It was like I hit eight weeks on the dot and BAM! - I turned into an ultra-morning-sick-exhausted zombie.

It has not been an easy week. My mother-in-law and mom have been SO helpful and have taken a lot off of my plate. Most afternoons I've spent in bed or lying practically lifeless on the couch. I've barely touched my computer, I haven't lifted a finger to clean, and Nicholas has had a lot of Grandma time. It's been amazing to have so much help, but I've also just felt really useless.

The view from my pathetic little perch
On one afternoon, I was lying in bed listening to Nicholas and my mom playing in the living room. I was thinking of some people I really needed to connect with and some online responsibilities that are time sensitive. And rolling into my mind came the thoughts, "What are you even contributing? You are producing nothing. What are you doing with your life right now? You came to plant a church - and you're lying in bed?" 

I wish it weren't the case, but those were my exact thoughts. I began listing the people I was letting down. I started questioning my skills and the passions God has given me - because I'm obviously not using them right now. The tired, ugly lie that "I am what I do" flooded my mind as I lay in bed next to a sleeve of half-eaten saltine crackers. This is who I am, I guess. Tired. Useless. Flaky.

And then the Lord knocked on my heart. DAUGHTER. You are a daughter.
Tired, sick, and a little pitiful - but nonetheless a daughter of a relentlessly loving, arms-wide-open Father. A Dad who never makes His children earn His affection. They simply are just His kids, and He delights in them as such. Kick-butt-church-planter, or sick preggo mommy lying in bed - daughter.

What I do doesn't change my position in the family. Because of Christ, I'm locked in, secure. In this slow, zombie season, or in a flourishing, getting it all done type of season. What I do will never dictate who I am; who Jesus is dictates who I am. And He is the gracious, steadfast God.

I'm find myself reciting my "daughter-ness" to myself, over and over. And I'm going to recite it to you.

Rock star friend, or you can barely keep up with a text message once a week because of the chaos in your life; best mom in the world, or just yelled at your kid for the fifth time that hour; Martha Stewart housewife, or full of shame at how you just treated your husband; poster-child employee, or you just lost another job - DAUGHTER.
Always. Daughter.

::         ::         ::         ::         ::         ::         ::         ::         ::

As a side note, I want to add that being sick and exhausted from pregnancy is an absolute privilege. Though it's truly not fun to feel crummy, I don't take at all for granted the fact that what is causing me to feel this way is a beautiful pregnancy. I grieve with my friends who are having a hard time getting pregnant or who have lost babies, and I know that anyone of them would rejoice over feeling this way. Just wanted to add that.

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