I've also felt terrible, in terms of my physical body. It was like I hit eight weeks on the dot and BAM! - I turned into an ultra-morning-sick-exhausted zombie.
It has not been an easy week. My mother-in-law and mom have been SO helpful and have taken a lot off of my plate. Most afternoons I've spent in bed or lying practically lifeless on the couch. I've barely touched my computer, I haven't lifted a finger to clean, and Nicholas has had a lot of Grandma time. It's been amazing to have so much help, but I've also just felt really useless.
The view from my pathetic little perch
I wish it weren't the case, but those were my exact thoughts. I began listing the people I was letting down. I started questioning my skills and the passions God has given me - because I'm obviously not using them right now. The tired, ugly lie that "I am what I do" flooded my mind as I lay in bed next to a sleeve of half-eaten saltine crackers. This is who I am, I guess. Tired. Useless. Flaky.
And then the Lord knocked on my heart. DAUGHTER. You are a daughter.
Tired, sick, and a little pitiful - but nonetheless a daughter of a relentlessly loving, arms-wide-open Father. A Dad who never makes His children earn His affection. They simply are just His kids, and He delights in them as such. Kick-butt-church-planter, or sick preggo mommy lying in bed - daughter.
What I do doesn't change my position in the family. Because of Christ, I'm locked in, secure. In this slow, zombie season, or in a flourishing, getting it all done type of season. What I do will never dictate who I am; who Jesus is dictates who I am. And He is the gracious, steadfast God.
I'm find myself reciting my "daughter-ness" to myself, over and over. And I'm going to recite it to you.
Rock star friend, or you can barely keep up with a text message once a week because of the chaos in your life; best mom in the world, or just yelled at your kid for the fifth time that hour; Martha Stewart housewife, or full of shame at how you just treated your husband; poster-child employee, or you just lost another job - DAUGHTER.
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As a side note, I want to add that being sick and exhausted from pregnancy is an absolute privilege. Though it's truly not fun to feel crummy, I don't take at all for granted the fact that what is causing me to feel this way is a beautiful pregnancy. I grieve with my friends who are having a hard time getting pregnant or who have lost babies, and I know that anyone of them would rejoice over feeling this way. Just wanted to add that.