Monday, January 21, 2013

Sometimes I Think About Myself As An Old Lady

Do you ever imagine yourself late in your years, covered in wrinkles, your mind full of memories of a life long lived? I do.

I imagine myself looking back on my life. I'm sure that some memories would be sobering to recall, while others would bring a smile to my face. I would probably have a very firm grasp on the fact that life is fleeting, and that at the end of the day Jesus is the only constant in this life.

I think this way most often when what I've been spending my time on doesn't feel meaningful. I find myself wondering if, as an old woman, I'll look back on these moments and say, "I wish I would have done something more meaningful. If I hadn't wasted my time on x, y, or z I would have made a greater impact in the world."

Some of the time I am being too hard on myself. I diminish the beautiful importance of the roles that God has called me to, even if they feel mundane. God sees our heart, even if He's the only one who sees us. He is pleased by our desire to serve Him in things both great and small.

But there are also times, when I think of myself as an old lady looking back on my life, that the Lord may be speaking to me. In the scheme of eternity, my life is but a breathe; is how I'm spending my days making an impact on the world around me? Am I using my time well?

I don't mean bigger numbers. I don't mean cramming your days so full of service that you don't sleep. I don't mean I can never look at Instagram. But I know that I won't look back on my life and think, "I wish I would've spent more time on my phone while Nicholas played in front of me." Or, "I'm so glad that I was so consumed by the cleanliness of my home that I barely opened my doors to others."


Who are the people that I have an impact on? Do I see them? Am I too distracted to be a present wife and mom? (Which are two of the relationships that I will have THE MOST impact on in my entire life.) Am I busying myself with one thing, while a much more meaningful opportunity is waiting for me, if I only slowed down to see it? Am I willing to change so that God can use me more effectively?

I hope so. I need God's strength and love to help me do so. I'll never be perfect, and that is not the goal. But I hope when I look back on my life, I can say that I let God redefine what I thought was important. I pray that I will be a woman who was deeply faithful in the tiny, mundane tasks - and in the gigantic tasks too.

And I'm grateful that I can be that woman today. I don't have to wait until I've gathered up a life's worth of wisdom. What small (or big) choices can I make today to live meaningfully? Lord, help me.

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I want you, my reader who I value so much, to know - this is not a passive aggressive attempt to judge someone. This isn't me thinking that some moms don't do "enough." This is a confession that in this season of my life, I have the capacity to serve more than I am - and I'm filling that time with some silly, often mind-numbing things instead. I've felt the Lord convicting my heart that I need to be a more intentional mother, wife, friend, and Christ-follower. I am not trying to compare myself to anyone, or to make someone compare themselves to me.  If you have any questions or thoughts, please let me know.


4 comments:

  1. I often think the same way! I wonder what I will look like, who will be in my life, and what I will think about how I spent my time! Love this post =)

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  2. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And our trip to Costa Rica last week really sobered me up. There are men and women who do SO much with their day, they accomplish so much. The touch lives. The make an impact. And what do I do with my day? Not a whole lot...

    Yes - I think about myself old and gray, and probably pudgy around the middle. And I wonder what I'll look back on and will there be anything worth being proud of...

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  3. Mac! Thanks for your lovely words. I love your conviction and your heart. You inspire me and make me want to be a better homemaker/friend/wife in my own way. Thank you for your honesty and hard looking into your life! -Erika

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  4. I think the same things. I want to offer my life as a living sacrifice to God, pleasing Him in the end. Service for the sake of time-filling is never best--if it's just to DO more. Service in line with obedience to His Word is our aim. Love Him with all your heart, soul, mind, strength, Love your husband and kids well.

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