I often wonder if Nicholas will ever truly understand how much I love him. When I watch him play or sleep, my heart throbs with how grateful I am for the gift that he is. He is so funny and sweet. He's recently started calling me "mama," loves to giggle, and has the fluffiest blonde hair I've ever seen. My favorite of his newest "tricks?" What my husband and I call "hulking" - he grunts super loud, flexing his arms and legs really hard. It makes him look like the Incredible Hulk trying to bust out of his skin. I just can't help but be delighted by this little guy!
When he was born, I remember thinking, "will he ever know just HOW MUCH I love him?" And I still ask this question. Sometimes there's a tension in my heart when I realize that he may never fully understand that I love him so much that I'd do anything for him. Without hesitation. I want him to know that the love I have for him makes me want to laugh, cry, hold him even when he's being a brat, and snuggle him when he's tired. He might not realize that just one glance of his drool-stained, chubby cheeks causes my heart to swell with joy and love. Maybe he'll understand when he becomes a father; I sure hope so. But I still wonder.
When I ask myself that question, "does he know?", another question pops into my mind. I feel the Lord asking me,
"Do YOU know?"
Do I know just HOW MUCH God loves me? That just one look at my (often tired and baby-booger covered) face causes God's heart to swell with joy and love? Will I ever understand how happy He was to sacrifice Himself for us? I wonder if God ever feels that same tension that I do, knowing that we may never fully understand just how much He loves us. I wonder if He ever looks at us and says, "Do they know?!"
When I think on this, I find safety. I feel secure, knowing that my earthly mama love, even with how huge it is, cannot compare to the love of the Heavenly Father. I don't think we'll ever fully grasp the love that He has for us - but He still gives it so freely. Even when I give Him attitude, or I'm disobedient (which happens more often than I'd like to admit) - He still wants to hold me. Nothing I do will ever change His love for me. His love is for you, whether you trust Him or not. His love is for me, whether I acknowledge Him today or not. What a crazy kind of love.
I don't know how much He loves me, and I probably never will. And I think I'm ok with that. It just causes me to want to love Him back.