Monday, June 11, 2012

Growing Way Too Fast

I can't help but get excited when I think about who Nicholas will be in the future. I can't wait to hear what his little voice will sound like, and to find out if he likes trains or dinosaurs or Wonderpets. I wonder if he'll be into sports, or music, or math. I'm excited to watch his little personality develop - and judging by his inability to sit still for more than 5 seconds, I think he's going to have a lot of personality. It's amazing to watch how much he learns everyday, and in turn, how much he changes daily.

With all that I am looking forward to, I also find myself resisting the changes to come. I get so familiar with who Nicholas is, and then all the sudden, he's a different little boy. I want to hold on to the littleness and the cuddles and my ability to control his environment (not that I could ever really control anything). But any attempt to stop the change is futile. He's growing, and there's nothing I can do about it. My little guy is suddenly not so little.

Yesterday I just stared at Nicholas while he was sitting in his high chair, sweet potatoes covering his face. I've been looking forward to feeding him baby food and discovering what he likes and dislikes. Eating solids felt like a fun, big milestone and I couldn't wait! Yet now that it's finally here, my heart is grieving. In my mind, eating baby food is the end of Nicholas being a baby. It's a slap in the face, a reminder of the reality that Nicholas will only continue to become more independent. His days of being compliant (and me not having to discipline him) are quickly coming to an end. The newborn-ness is completely gone, and the toddler days are approaching faster than I know. How did I go from marveling at his tiny, almost 8lb frame, to watching him slap his high chair tray as I try and wrestle sweet potatoes into his mouth? Where did my little guy go?

As I write this, I am reminded that we are meant to grow. I know, from experience, that not growing is cause for alarm! My inability to grow (physically) as a child prompted many doctor's visits and tests. My parents were worried and I bet they were praying that I'd hit all the "correct" milestones. I don't want to take for granted that Nicholas is a healthy, growing boy. But I do wish that I could bottle up his baby-ness. I will let this be a reminder to take a little extra time to snuggle him. Even when he's wiggling out of my arms, I'll squeeze him tight and smell his baby skin. And you bet that when he's 14 and way too cool for his mom, I'll hug him and make him kiss me. I'll tell him of how he would sleep in my arms, and how I would stroke his fuzzy blonde hair as he slept. Even when he's 2 feet taller than me and has kids of his own, I'll put my hand on his cheek and tell him how much I love him. And I'll wish that I had taken more time to savor each sweet, baby moment. So I'll take the advice of future Mackenzie, and cherish my little boy. Excuse me while I go stand by his crib and watch him sleep.


  1. That settles it, we're soulmates! (okay, more like creepy blog stalker and blog writer, haha) I was JUST talking to someone about this exact feeling. My little guy is turning 3 months this week and I can't stand the thought of him being an "infant" instead of a "newborn." I want my little newborn baby! But then I look over at this cooing, smiling, mile-a-minute "talker" and I'm just as smitten with him. It's hard to let go, but it's easier when I think of all the fun new stuff. Boy, motherhood, huh? As always, great post!

  2. Okay, you made me cry this morning! :) Beautiful post, loved it. I'm struggling with the food issue too! I put it off as long as possible, and The Big Food Day is going to be this coming Sunday, on Ben's 7 month birthday (I told you I put it off!). I'm very sad to leave that part of babyhood behind. Sigh. But, I'm also excited to see how he reacts to foods, what he likes, and what he doesn't. Thanks for always helping me keep things in perspective :)

  3. Awwww, this is so sweet! I hope I'm as good a mama as you are when my time comes! And I hope my future kiddies are as cute as him! He is ADORABLE! :)

  4. It does go too fast, doesn't it?
    Makes my heart ache all the time!


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